Mini-Vampires
So there I was, precariously perched on the top rung of the ladder, as I was filling in gaps around my newly installed air conditioner unit, when my brain started to send horrific warning sounds that a parasite had latched onto my back.
I could tell by the size of it’s jack-hammering into my skin that this was not some light weight deer fly, but a welter weight horse fly. These bastards have grown so smart, over several millennia of attacking humans, that they know our anatomy. Our weak spots where we are unable to reach behind to our back to smack them or how to bob and weave above our heads until they dive in for the kill.
I started flaying my arms to try to reach the parasite from over my shoulders to no avail. Then I tried to reach from underneath. Dammit! He’s just out of reach. Okay, I have a roll of duct tape! Hey, what else would I be using to seal up an A/C unit? Even with that extra six inches I’m unable to knock the blood sucking vampire off me.
I started screaming for my daughter. “CAITLIN!!! CAITLIN!!! HELP!!!”
Hoping that she didn’t have the stereo so loud that my pleas for assistance would be drowned out. She immediately ran out and I directed her to smack with all her strength the evil creature on my back.
Being the sensitive person she is, she hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt you, Daddy!” “Caitlin, I will try to be as calm as possible in this situation, BUT WOULD YOU PLEASE SMACK THIS THING AS HARD AS YOU CAN !!!”
She whacked it a good one and as I felt relief from it’s drilling into my back, I climbed down from the ladder to see it’s huge body on the ground. Caitlin claimed, “It’s dead, Dad”. “No, it isn’t honey. These bastards have an incredible resilience. If you were to walk away right now it would fly off to attack again. There is only one way to be sure”. I stomped on it with all my weight and turned my heel back and forth.
Us bush folks have to tolerate the black flies in spring, then the mosquitoes for awhile until they’re just pests at dusk. But one deer fly or horse fly can drive me nuts. I had one stalk me all summer. No matter which of my three doors I would exit he was there in seconds to torment me. I smacked my head so many times trying, in vain, to get him, that I felt like Mohammad Ali after
too many fights.
I feel like Van Helsing, the Vampire hunter with these beasts.
What do you think, dear reader? Am I a lone voice in the wilderness as
to their growing menace?
I could tell by the size of it’s jack-hammering into my skin that this was not some light weight deer fly, but a welter weight horse fly. These bastards have grown so smart, over several millennia of attacking humans, that they know our anatomy. Our weak spots where we are unable to reach behind to our back to smack them or how to bob and weave above our heads until they dive in for the kill.
I started flaying my arms to try to reach the parasite from over my shoulders to no avail. Then I tried to reach from underneath. Dammit! He’s just out of reach. Okay, I have a roll of duct tape! Hey, what else would I be using to seal up an A/C unit? Even with that extra six inches I’m unable to knock the blood sucking vampire off me.
I started screaming for my daughter. “CAITLIN!!! CAITLIN!!! HELP!!!”
Hoping that she didn’t have the stereo so loud that my pleas for assistance would be drowned out. She immediately ran out and I directed her to smack with all her strength the evil creature on my back.
Being the sensitive person she is, she hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt you, Daddy!” “Caitlin, I will try to be as calm as possible in this situation, BUT WOULD YOU PLEASE SMACK THIS THING AS HARD AS YOU CAN !!!”
She whacked it a good one and as I felt relief from it’s drilling into my back, I climbed down from the ladder to see it’s huge body on the ground. Caitlin claimed, “It’s dead, Dad”. “No, it isn’t honey. These bastards have an incredible resilience. If you were to walk away right now it would fly off to attack again. There is only one way to be sure”. I stomped on it with all my weight and turned my heel back and forth.
Us bush folks have to tolerate the black flies in spring, then the mosquitoes for awhile until they’re just pests at dusk. But one deer fly or horse fly can drive me nuts. I had one stalk me all summer. No matter which of my three doors I would exit he was there in seconds to torment me. I smacked my head so many times trying, in vain, to get him, that I felt like Mohammad Ali after
too many fights.
I feel like Van Helsing, the Vampire hunter with these beasts.
What do you think, dear reader? Am I a lone voice in the wilderness as
to their growing menace?
posted by Musings from Idle Acres | 11:46 a.m.
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